You Wanker!

I think the kids of today are missing out a bit. When I was my sons age…he’s just turned 16…I had one of the most impressive collections of ‘five knuckle shuffle’ material in the South East. It was a bizarre mixture that evolved and grew from those early days of cutting out The Sun’s Sam Fox special in stockings, to the Kay’s Catalogue (I’m being honest here, these were innocent times) then my first Mayfair magazine which I actually found discarded on the stairwell of the flats (a glorious moment I will remember for ever).

I hit a truly unique and rich ‘vein’ of material when I discovered my older sisters collection of ‘Man and Woman’ part work magazines that she’d been collecting prior to her impending marriage. God I’d forgotten about those magazines, they were fantastic because they covered just about every aspect of sex and I instantly became the spotty equivalent of Dr Ruth at school. I ended up holding sexual counselling sections during break times where guys would come and ask such searching questions as, where do women pee from? and of course the classic, where is the girls clitoris. Little did the guys realise that I personally had never seen a fanny in real life, it was a bit like trying to be a cabbie in London when you’ve never been to the place and are relying solely on an A to Z.

To this day I think ,if it hadn’t been for those books, I wouldn’t know the brown bit around the woman’s nipple is called the aureole and the G spot can be found two and a half knuckles inside on the roof of the vagina usually slightly to the right or the left and that it responds to a beckoning motion of the fingers…..you can imagine the kind of awe I was held in at school can’t you!!

The point is that I think that today’s kids have missed out on those fairly innocent times, the gradual dawning of the realisation of just how horny you can be at 14 and the delicious anticipation of finding that discarded rolled up copy of Mayfair. For my son, the Kay’s catalogue would never command any interest because at the very time I was frantically searching for the hosiery section having courageously moved from the bra’s mid wank, he was watching some ugly German bird giving a horse a blow job….honestly this is what the kids are passing around!!

There I was, with the romantic notion that I would pass my porn collection down to my son when the time was right and see his face light up…whereas the reality is that he was probably viewing porn on the internet from the age of 10-11 and was already developing this warped impression of women as ‘bitches’ who go with the guy with the biggest car and the most bling.

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