Guys just sit down for a minute…on second thoughts maybe it’s better that you stay standing…I want to talk to you about anal penetration…YOURS that is!! Now just hold on a minute and hear me out. The anus is incredibly sensitive and I’m sure a lot of you guys are well aware of that. I love a finger slipped up there if a little bit of lube has been applied first…but only if a girlie is doing the slipping..if it was a Freddie Mercury look alike waving a big hairy digit at me then it goes into emergency shut down.

Basically, if you’re one of the converted, then you can carry on surfing and leave me to have a little chat with this guy. Firstly, just because you’re one of those who ‘DO LIKE IT UP EM’ it does NOT render you a shirt lifter. Vegemite Burglars are different, they play the pink oboe on a regular basis and can be seen either jumping out from behind bushes in public parks or holding hands and roller blading down Brighton Seafront wearing pink leg warmers…ok sorry, I’m only joking..I’m just jelous because they always seem to be the coolest and most attractive guys. Forget all that homophobic nonsense, I’m only saying that I think our bums should not be neglected. I don’t mean you getting bent over Shawshank Redemption style, I mean a gentle delicate handling of the area.

We all know for ladies it can be a very pleasurable experience because the G spot is sort of located next door so its possible to bang on the wall and wake the neighbours up for a party. For us guys of course its the prostate gland which is lurking up there waiting for a bit of TLC. The orgasm produced from prostate massage is unlike anything you will have experienced before and I urge you to give it a try. Have you never thought about why having a shit sometimes is just such a pleasurable experience? Oh you thought it was just the solitude and the chance to finish the Sun Crossword.

I suppose to give this item credibility I should bang on about using enough water based lube…not dripping or spit…and going slowly at first…and not letting just anyone jam a Rampant Rabbit up there…and practising safe sex…and drinking responsibly…and ALL the other bloody rules that we seem to have these days…just enjoy yourself for Gods sake…oh I forgot…don’t use hoover attachments or unwashed fruit or your Grannies finger whilst she’s asleep in front of Eastenders…apart from that just get on with it.

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